Today is a grey day. I’m a bit moody and cranky. Could be lack of carbs or could just be this grey weather is adding to my mood. Yesterday was a great day though. Went jogging in the park with my older kids, then signed my oldest up for the gym (he is 23) and we went in the evening. I don’t like to go at night too much but I had to also take the kids to get some clothes and new shoes during the day so I was a little behind schedule. I may have to go tonight as well because my youngest is home from school with a lactose issue and I have no one to watch him if my other son and I take off.  I have to wait until about three when my 16 year old gets home to watch him. Its always something 🙂

Thats not the root of my moodiness though, some days I just have lonely days like everyone does. No, it isn’t like I want to be out partying instead of training or anything like that. I do have friends, but often choose to stay home to make up for time when I can’t spend with the kids because I have to travel more these days. Yes, its for a greater good….but most parents feel some sort of guilt for leaving.

I’m a huge thinker too. Always thinking about the future and what’s next for everything. I’ll probably end up with my own fitness studio eventually as I can’t imagine going back to an office and working for others. To me, thats a fate worse than death for me. It was always hard for me to fit into the “mainstream” work force. I have a hard time with women, or they have a hard time with me rather. I guess I used to be more of a pushover and let them treat me bad, but after my fitness lifestyle changes I grew more balls and started to fight back and they liked that even less. I used to take so much shit from the women at work and often went home feeling like I got kicked in the guts. I didnt have the mean girl mentality to fit in I suppose. I’m ok with that part.

I do find myself untrusting with most people and a friend pointed that out to me recently. We have all spent too much time trusting the wrong people and after awhile, just kind of seal ourselves off as a self protection and keep people at arms length after that. It isn’t intentional, it just IS. I can’t really say I would trade my life for anyone elses because most of what I do makes me happy. I try not to spend much time wishing I had a better house, better car because that;s just material stuff and in the end….thats empty stuff. Life experience makes us richer I think.

I went to a concert the other night and a couple next to us made comments about my appearance and the woman turned to her husband and said “we need to join a gym”. So, thats what I like….just being someone who motivates others to get healthier and feel better.

Of course I take some shit because I have sexy photos on the internet, but frankly some of your loved and sweet fitness models have a very dark past, so don’t go thinking they are some squeaky clean prom queens because of what they promote now. Of course they have managed to clear some of their stuff from the internet, but not all of it. I have topless photos, some full/implied nudes…but my giblets are always covered by a black star should the photo show a little “too much”. I have no interest in being a porn star. In fact, look up porn at any time and web cams and you will see your bank teller, your neighbors teen daughter, the deacon at churches sometimes….all doing internet porn.  The women who usually model semi nude are not the porn stars of today!!!  To be honest, I can’t even remember the last time I was with someone so people’s claim of me being a porn star is pretty screwy.

Anyway, these are my ramblings of today…..just sitting at home with thoughts in my head going round and round 🙂

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About Fern Assard

44 year old Professional Fitness Model, National Womens Physique Competitor, Mother or four...crazy food advocate fighting for a fitter, healthier America. Im passionate because I care :)

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